Las Politicas

Dear Guvvie,

I have been in a slump, as yourself, apparently. 

I have felt sooo bombarded by politicking that I have taken a sabbatical from the whole mess for a while, but I knew, KNEW, there would be a yummy little scandal that would pull me back into the swing of things… so I wanna thank you Gov. Spitzer -and might I say, what a fabulously Freudian name for this little scenario you are in… that’s gonna keep Leno, Conan, & Letterman going for a solid three nights- for getting yourself so stupidly involved in a damn prostitution ring.  I mean, yeah, it sounds all classy with its “Emperor’s Club VIP” name, and I mean, if you are paying $1,500-$5,000 a tryst for it, these broads must have discretion, RIGHT?  So much discretion that all of America knows that you were in Room 871 at the Mayflower orderin’ in hos like room service. 

See, here’s where you screwed up, 9, you shouldn’t have gotten on your soapbox after the ring you took down in 2004… You should have just done the polite pat on the back and kept on truckin, but alas… here we stand.   Keep your head up and proudly wear those black eyes that your wife hopefully gave you as a badge of honor as you fight against the wiretaps as and good politician would do.

Back in Black,

Terita Bonita

Ps- What IS that face he’s making??  Its very reminiscent of Mario’s evil twin Wario from Nintendo.

 pps- This has to be the best freaking line from the New York Times article “The governor’s aides appeared shaken, and one of them began to weep as they waited for him to make his statement at his Manhattan office.”  Someone get me a shot of that.  I hope its a guy.  Client Number 8, perhaps?

Dr. Frank,

Oh man, have we got to talk.  I love you, I really do.  You are a beacon of Texas strength and stability during our weather crises here in Southeast Texas, and for that, you have a special place in my heart… but here’s the deal: I have a serious bone to pick with you and all of your other weather-casting pals… Yeah, I am talking about Mario Gomez with you at KHOU, Mike Iscovitz at KRIV, and even (be-still my heart) The Hotness that is Frankie B. over at KPRC…  You guys have got to STOP THE HYPE. 

Seriously.  You guys hear of two damn inches of rain coming and you treat it like the apocalypse.  Yes, I do understand the actual danger of flooding in Houston.  Really, though, its been that way forEVER!  If anything, its gotten better (shout out to Bill White!!) and you guys create more of a panic over a small thunderstorm than necessary.  Now, you guys have started a whole “Boy Who Cried Wolf” scenario, and when a tsunami comes, no one is going to give a crap.  Prime example- last night.  Not a drop of rain from Um-berto. 

No longer stocking up on non-perishables,

Terita Bonita (that should be the next hurricane name!!)

Heeeeyyyyyy!!!

It’s rainin’ men… fabulous gay Republican men, that is!!  The latest Gay Republican scandal (and yes, I am using a capital “G” and a capital “R”.  Its warranted  now.)  has opened that closet door another inch, boys, and my advice is BRING IT!!!!  Stop allowing the pressure of those boring hetero co-workers influence your votes on the issues that are important to YOU!!  You totally know that deep down, you deserve the recognition of your marriages, if not only for the tax break.  You need that extra cash for Pottery Barn procurements and faux finishes on your walls.  

BAND TOGETHER!!!  You all know who you are.  Puh-lease don’t try to fool eachother.  I know that Larry came up to one of you guys at least once and told you just how fabulous that your Hermes tie was, and you brushed it off like an average compliment.  You knew it, fellow Gay Republican.  You knew.  You knew and you could have totally hooked him up with your friend Mark that owns a hot little boutique in Miami, and he wouldn’t have had to resort to the Solicitation Shoe Shuffle in the damn airport bathroom.   

Get it together boys, and don’t force me to out you by sneaking “YMCA” onto the speakers of the Senate.  None of you can resist that pull.   It would bring you fools out, shakin it like Kevin Bacon in “Footloose”… (stop fantasizing about that RIGHT NOW, Foley!!)

Reserving Some Space at JR’s,

Teri Ann

ps- This is in NO WAY meant to offend.  I love me some gays.  I am actually in the market for a good gay friend, as my shopping skills are awful…  I have really fallen into dressing like a mom.  Email me, Larry. 

Dear Johnny,

   Hey hot pants!  (Don’t be offended.  I was not implying that your pants are in any way hot in the gay sense, seeing as you have an extreme aversion to clothing that you find a tad less heterosexual than most.)  I just thought that we could maybe get together for  a little sit-down to discuss the latest developments in this trainwreck you are calling a presidential campaign.  You may be busy, somewhat, but seeing as your three press aides resigned just this morning, you should jump at the chance to talk to me.

     Your office is a damn sieve, in case you haven’t noticed.  I mean, seriously, its basically you and three junior college freshman looking for extra credit in a PoliSci class.  Are they even licensed to drive that ”Straight Talk Express”???  Your research director should check that out.  Oh, wait a sec… Did he not come back this morning after his Starbucks run?  You should really watch these employees of yours when they say they are going somewhere… I mean, did your strategist say that he was running to grab some quick sushi?  What about your communications director and his deputy?  FroYo run?  I mean, even your campaign manager????  Let me guess- Shoe shopping? 

     In a way, J Mickey, I like you, despite your Repubie-ness.  I mean, you are a serious hero with all of that POW business.  You overcame serious adversity there.  Serious stuff.  None of this overcoming-a-V-neck-Banana-Republic-cashmere-sweater nonsense.  You are resiliant, and the public likes it.  Show us what you are made of and bounce back from this crisis as you have others.  The money and public will follow. 

 XOXO,

Teri Ann

PS- I still stand by the sweaters.  You should give Pelosi a call.  That woman knows hotness.

Hello, Marky-Mark,  (yes, I recognize the incorrect spelling, but I dutifully make a reference to the Funky Bunch when I am discussing ANY Marc)

While I totally understand that we have never met, nor actually spoken to eachother, I already want to give you a big hug and call you my “BFF Marc”.  (Claws in, ladies.  I can have a few BFFs)  I wanted to send out some sincere thanks for Campos Commentary.  Lovely Rachel keeps me up to the minute with your non-stop humor and antics, as well as forcing me to go to the gym with her, so I am keeping her under the “Blessing and a Curse” column…but I digress.

With titles like, “  “Shelley’s $4 Million Special,  One Too Many, ‘Roid Warriors” & “Dangling Hanging, Cold Blooded, Globes, We Accept Pesos” etc., you pique interest and make me giggle.  I just wanted to send out some thanks for the entertainment and information, and let you know that Caro and I are super interested in getting our hot liberal tails to the convention this year, so feel free to keep us posted.  Or put us in your bag.   We could totally go for “journalistic purposes”, though.  Think of it- dual-real-time blog postings at the convention.   Its just an idea.   I mean, unless you think its cool.  Then, I get full credit.  ;)  Anywho- have a fab day and keep it real, mi compadre. 

XO, an Go Stros!!

Teri

Campos Commentary can be found here: http://www.camposcommunications.com/dailycommentary.html

Hey guys!  I know that you are having a bad month, well, lets just go ahead with bad YEAR here, so I thought that I would drop a little common sense on you kids to make the TSU future a little brighter…

I mean, seriously, is it just me or are YOU ALL FREAKING RETARDED??? Did you literally think that it was appropriate to spend $300K on personal items?  Home decor?  Really?  Exactly how did that conversation of justification go???  “Well, I do, sometimes, have alumnus and faculty over to my personal residence.  I mean, so what if its the occassional Christmas party or simply me forgetting my keys on the way to an ACTUAL function, and requiring said faculty or alumni to look briefly into my front room.  If someone remotely related to this school sets foot in my foyer, I can totally spend $5,000 on a rug for my entryway! Right???” 

I want to sit down with you guys and learn this fine art of spending others’ cash with pure abandon.  I must be doing something wrong in the ethics department, because I can’t wrap my brain around this crap.  You know why?  BECAUSE ITS WRONG.  You guys took money away from some of the most needy people around- college kids and thier parents, and used it to buy a damn security system for a home.  Imagine the conditions in which some of your underprivledged students came from!!  And you have the audacity…   And $138,000 on landscaping??  Really??  Did you import foilage from the Chinese gardens??  WTF? 

 All and all, I hope that you losers enjoy the time that you will hopefully be in your ungilded cages.  You won’t have and funds to misappropriate there.  Unless you count Camels. 

Keepin’ it Real- your friend,

Teri Hagen